I’m honestly not the type to seek attention and this post is merely just for the sake of ranting and spilling my feelings. I am experiencing what one would call loneliness. It is not because I am craving to be with someone. I am in this constant war with myself. Always battling my many insecurities. At this point in time one of my main insecurities with men. My dealings with men since birth have been terribly messed up and were definitely at no fault of my own; not something I asked for. Males are very unfamiliar territory for me. I have, and continue to shy away from them. However, what is contributing to the loneliness I am current facing is the fact that I let one in, and let them stay too long. I want to say it was the wrong one to let in but then something in me does not feel that way. I recall the words of one of my favorite artists Lianne la Havas- “Love is not blind, it is deaf and it is dumb”. Let me try to describe this male I speak of. I have never met someone like him. He has constantly played games with me. Yet we have the best conversation, can talk about anything and everything. He helped me through some difficult times. I exposed many parts of myself to him, something I have never done for anyone.He knew that. I cried to him. Laughed with him. I opened up in a way I never have before (I am literally sobbing writing this right now). Told him things I never planned on telling anyone. Constantly put up with his b.s. Forgave him. Cried over him. Everything. And for someone who was not even willing to do the same for me. I did something I never did before: compared my self to other females. It is amazing what happens when you allow someone to have power over you, especially someone who does no deserve it. It is amazing how you can allow someone else’s actions and words to have power over you. These things he would say just left me always questioning myself. Not only because I am insecure and have issues (yes issues) with men, but because I was not ready to be in any types of dealings with men. I have many unresolved problems that I needed to figure out first. I was not secure enough with myself to accept the attention from someone else. If I’m not even confident with myself in any aspect how can I begin to believe the words from someone else, especially a man. I sit here contemplating if any of it was real. I mean I can say that he has always come back. But what does that even mean? Hmm oh possibly that things with the person he really wants to be with sometimes are bad so he comes running back to me to get his mind off it. That perhaps he just uses me as a distraction. But what if he doesn’t come back this time, and why is it that he is always leaving anyways. Is it me? Immaturity? He wants to live out his young manhood now and not worry about a relationship at this point?
“You look beautiful” “I mean what I’m saying 100%” “I can only show you with my actions” “I like you all b.s. aside. Sorry Rikki if I was playing games but that’s what’s real”
“cause your always the one I seem to compare people to”
“I’m being real. I want tour in my life” “I miss how real you are” “I miss you”
“I do mean it”
It’s things like this that leave me confused and unsure of myself. I can’t tell if the words were real or not. I tell you social networks have contributed to this mess. And add to the fact that I don’t talk to guys. I never seriously talk to anyone. Barely text nor do I do anything in person. Because I have no desire to do any of that. So the chances of me falling for him were greater, I never wanted to try to use other people to distract me from getting hurt by the one I really want. No one interests me enough, well not like he does. But I don’t know how to win in this, I’m not even sure if it is possible.
So I am in this seemingly inescapable loneliness as I watch the person I adore happy without me, I am not contributing to that whatsoever but i want to. See him on social networks. Playing basketball doing who knows what with who knows who. While I do nothing with no one. What is it I was suppose to do?
Social networks have exposed to me things that I didn’t want to know, but probably needed to. Things that hurt.
I could go on forever about this and say every detail hoping someone would tell me what to do but I’ll stop. Someone informed me that the moment you stop giving someone attention is when they really will start wanting your attention. So abscence makes the heart grow fonder? So if I ignore this fool he will take notice and begin to take his words in action? Probably not.
But for my own sanity I shall do just so. I need to focus on the many things I have on my plate. From my documentary, to my organization, to my company, events, etc etc.
That is what I shall do. Stay busy and focused on me, that should combat the loneliness.
What do you think? Say he hits me up what shouldn’t do? Any other thoughts?
